Blizzard FAQ

As a born-and-bred New Englander, I have some helpful insights for folks preparing for a blizzard. Here are some short answers to some commonly-asked questions. 

What should I do if the power goes out?

Obviously, you should scream and holler. Ideally you can amplify your hollering with an orange traffic cone. These are available at most city construction sites. Just keep screaming until the power comes back on. In fact, it’s the only thing that will bring the power back; that’s how science works. Your throat may grow sore, so consider stocking up on lozenges before the snow begins to fall. 

What’s the best food to have on hand?

Cheez-Its are healthy and compact. I generally fill the bathtub with Cheez-Its before any major storm, holiday or life event. You can survive on these alone for about 3 hours before your body gives up. Then your family members can eat your body, and use the Cheez-Its as snacks. They’re really a snack food. 

What if my mule escapes?

This is a common concern. Stapling some bells to your mule’s ears should allow you to find your mule even during whiteout conditions. Alternatively, I like to have my mule swallow my iPhone just before the blizzard; then I use the handy “Find my iPhone” feature to track down my mule. If you don’t have an iPhone, you should probably spend some time with your mule before the storm, because you may never see Marvin again. 

Who will feed the dolphins?

Unfortunately, it’s quite hard to say what dophins eat during a blizzard. All of my faxes to the Woods Hole Oceanographic Institution have gone unanswered, so ocean life remains a mystery. 

Will there be wine?

Most Rite-Aids give out free wine during blizzards. I think an unoaked chardonnay pairs beautifully with a mouthful of grey, roadside snow. While you’re at the Rite-Aid, buy me some Cheez-Its?